Top Non-Cornhole Presents for the Cornhole Loser in Your Life
So if you’re reading this you might have a Cornhole obsessed loser in your life but for whatever reason you’ve decided to stick with them. You’ve come to terms with the fact that listening to stories about who’s GTG for bag deal on Addicted to Cornhole or how close they are to nailing their roll bag(Spoiler they aren’t close) is all going to be a part of your life for the foreseeable future.
You’ve now found yourself at Christmas and you have no idea how to get in on the latest 724 bag release or feel like refreshing your computer for the Viper C’s release. Here are 5 great gifts for the Cornhole Trash Loser in your life.
1- Earphones- This one is predictable for many reasons. They can use them to catch up on the number one podcasts in Cornhole(Doghouse or Big Asp) and they can also use them to look like a hard-ass squid at their next Wednesday blind draw while the soundtrack from Hamilton pumps through their brain during the 19th missed airmail. They also have a GREAT secondary use! When your Cornhole Loser starts chirping about their airmail drag you can borrow them and not listen at all!
2- Gym Membership- Let’s face it….currently Cornhole is made up mostly of males and 99.9 percent do NOT look like Ryan Smith. They start out rocking the Dad Bod and within a year they have likely done enough 12 OZ curls to look more like Grimace from McDonald’s. Grab them a gym membership for the 2022 season but just keep in mind you may have to draw them a map to find the place…..or point out how close it is to the nearest McDonalds.
3-New Truck- I know…this is an expensive gift but it truly makes sense if your significant other is driving around in a Ford Fiesta with no trunk space. Where are they going to fit all their bags and their friends bags? How will they fit 4 Zuca bags into the back seat on their way to a regional so that when they arrive they can roll in looking like rejects from the recent Jetblue pilot school?
4- Tripod for Phone- No…this is not for filming homemade sex films(hopefully)! This is so they can document their completely pedestrian and mediocre cornhole game for the annals of history! If it wasn’t for proper documentation we wouldn’t know about the constitution, the pursuit for exploration by Lewis and Clark….or your boyfriend/girlfriends loss in the losers bracket to some other cornhole loser at the local VFW. Let’s make sure we can all spend our Saturday mornings watching them try to beat Ghost 6!!!
5- Multiple Plain Hooded Sweatshirts- This one is a MUST BUY. Why? Have you seen your Cornhole loser’s multiple “Jerseys” with their name on them? They show up at Sunday dinner with a shirt on that looks like Nascar and the 90’s had a baby conceived in the depths of a nuclear winter. Ply them with alcohol and quickly pull it over their head so you don’t look like you picked up Dale Earnhardt’s illegitimate child at the local Cracker Barrel.
Well….that’s it! May all your holiday dreams come true……except the one where your cornhole loser stops being interested in throwing bags…..that sleigh has done sailed!!!
