WHAT DOES YOUR CORNHOLE BAG SAY ABOUT YOU?? Part 2:
If you read part 1 and were disappointed that your favorite bag company didn’t make the cut….well don’t you worry! If you read part 1 and you were offended, well I don’t really know what to say…but…suck it up Karen, it’s called a joke (well mostly because we all know someone who fits the descriptions perfectly)!!
Below you will find what your cornhole bag selection says about you as a human being….
Notorious BAGs: These cornhole peeps are confused individuals. They want to be good at cornhole…but they also really want to have fun. They have an affinity for graffiti artwork, but would never dare break the law and attempt it themselves. They dress like hipsters (Capri pants included) but strongly deny any notion that they belong to such a group. They love ...I mean fucking LOVE glow sticks, neon paint, shots and listening to EDM when alone…..or 90’s hip hop when they know other people are around.
Titan Bags: These guys and gals like animals. They saw pictures of titan bags pop up with pictures of their favorite creatures and figured, “eh, why the fuck not?” Little did they know that these bags have performance factors! Which ones are best? They won’t have a freaking clue. There are only 1300 to choose from, so you’re bound to find something you like. If all else fails, just go with the Jekyll and Slyde bag (if you don’t like them, just sell them to Donald McPhee..he has the other 7 sets they have sold).
Bag Daddy: NOT to be confused with BIG DADDY… within the cornhole community, I don’t see spelling as being a general strong suite…but let’s move on. These guys love practicing against Ghost players and aren’t against talking a little shit, even when no one else is around. They found these bags by accident online and were pleasantly surprised when they showed up. “Holy Monkey Shit” is a common phrase heard after throwing these bags for the first time
Vortex Cornhole: These players are just like a storm. You know how it gets quiet, peaceful, and damn near perfect before a storm hits? Yep, that’s these folks, before they start drinking. They are calm, cool and collected, but give them a 6 pack and 4 shots and they are the life of the God Damn party!!! Much like a vortex, these players will suck up your money in a cash game without you even knowing…they have skills on the board…and in the bar
Lucky Bags: Not to be confused with “Lucky Bags Cornhole”…well that’s exactly what happened to whoever is throwing these bags. They thought they landed a goldmine when their tracking number came via email 3 days later! They started to line up high dollar deals, put a down payment on that jet ski they can’t afford….then absolutely shits their pants when they realize they didn’t order Surefires or Pro Snipers. I mean, it is 2021, how in the hell are we at a place where we have two cornhole companies whose name only differs by the word “Cornhole” SMH
Black Flag Cornhole: I’m sorry….but I just can’t help but picture “Steve the Pirate” from Dodgeball showing up. He steps up to the board and shouts a hardy “GARR” when making a bag in the hole. They only drink the finest of spiced rums, Captain Morgan…their hero on and off the boards. Bandannas or an eye patch are obviously involved in the wardrobe planning
WTF: This group is a bit rough around the edges. Be wary of saying anything negative, like the “designs were made by a kindergartener” or you’ll get a full Texas size boot up your ass. They like their bags to have some meat on them, none of that floppy shit and like their steaks rare. These players love the performance ability of the bags, but secretly, it’s the bedazzled stitching that drives the boys WILD
OTT: These folks are easy to spot. Let me rephrase. These people are easy to hear. They are the loudest ones in the room and if you haven’t met them before don’t worry, you will before the night is over. I picture every OTT bag owner having a beard, which they are extremely proud of. They may be loud. They may look intimidating, but they are some of the biggest teddy bears in the cornhole community
NOLA bags: These players like their bags like they like their Women/Men….Unique! None of that boring missionary style cornhole bags here. These bags, much like the people throwing them, have attitude and flare. They aren’t against trying some black magic to win a match. If that fails, you’ll most definitely find them at the bar
Scoreholio bags: These players are still trying to figure out how the hell they even got these bags in the first place. They were convinced they were purchasing the Scoreholio software (which is free just to be clear) and somehow bags showed up. Once they started throwing them they literally could not stop telling everyone how “underrated these bags are”….seriously they will tell you multiple times in the same night. Nick is clearly the mastermind behind these sneaky good little nuggets…and Ben..well…we are still trying to figure out if he plays cornhole
C3 Cornhole: chances are you’ll see these players in hiking boots or socks and “mandels” (man sandals..you know exactly what I am talking about). They aren’t really fans of “traditional sports”, but ask them about the best rock climber or which bear is best and you’ll be stuck there for an hour. They are fairly certain Sasquatches don’t exist...but after a few pints, they will let you hear their squatch call...because you can never be too careful
Money Bags: the men/women who throw these bags happened to stumble across them by accident. These happy little accidents are built for performance! Killer designs and unique bag constructions have these folks unafraid to aggressively tell you how underrated the bags are. They rock out to country or hardcore rap when driving around, depending on their mood. Typically a bit quiet until you get a few bottle of liquor in them….then they transform into the life of the party giving zero fucks about telling you exactly how they feel
Cooper Bags: These are the players you have never seen before in your life. You walk up the board confident you will win since you are pretty sure they are new to the sport. That is where your cornhole life is ended by a silent assassin. These players say few words, but are very polite and even give you words of encouragement after kicking the shit out of you for 10 minutes on the boards. They NEVER throw anything besides Cooper bags and may or may not belong to a cult
Buffalo Board bags: These players walk around trying to convince everyone that they just found the best new bag on the market. They have all 84 series of bags that they sell and brag about buying their custom set of boards for only $899.00 (shipping included) with their discount code!
I hope you each learned a little bit about yourself after reading this! If nothing else, at the very least, you will know exactly what kind of person your next blind draw partner is based on the bags he/she wants to throw!! Remember not to take this game too seriously!! Life is too short!
if you missed part One, check it out here!
As always, I hope you throw it straight and it’s nothing but four baggers from here on out! Cheers
-Sean
