How to Crush Your Hangover
I have 30 solid years of epic hangovers under my belt and I am here to give you some tips and tricks to beat your next hangover into submission.
First off, this article won’t involve prepping the night before by crushing a huge water, some aspirin and taking ginseng root or some shit before you go to bed at midnight. For the sake of this post let’s assume you went balls to the wall last night and are in dire straits with a ripping headache, inner demons clawing at your soul and blurred vision. AKA……a full on Banger!
Let’s get one thing out of the way before we get to the meat and potatoes…..only two things can really cure a hangover- more booze and time. Unfortunately more booze only buys you slightly more time and usually accentuates the effect of the hangover once it pulls it’s ugly ship into port. It’s a bit like pressing pause on the hangover rather than dealing with it so for these scenarios max two drinks are allowed….maybe three.
Now…..I am providing two scenarios and each have two different prescriptions. In the first scenario we are assuming you have to be productive that day….ie- work, family event or coaching kids sports. In scenario two you have an open day in which you can do as you please. Here we go!
Scenario 1- Productive Hangover
This is one of the worst spots you can find yourself in. You’ve got something you normally wouldn’t want to do and now you have to do it…..plus you drank pickle backs all night and may have offended multiple people.
I can’t sleep when I am hungover but if you are one of those blessed people who can my recommendation is to sleep as late as you can prior to engaging with the world.
Cold Shower/Ocean/pool- Ocean is the best hangover cure(legal) in the entire world and I won’t argue with that. Pool is decent as well but I live in New England and those two things are usually not an option so….cold shower. I know….it sucks…but so does your life right now so mount up! There is tons of data based on how your body and brain react to cold showers…..simply put it wakes you up and jolts you. Jump in at reg temp and then at the end jack it down to single digits for 60 seconds. You WILL feel alive.
After your Antarctic shower the booze is out of the question because let’s assume you don’t want your new client or soccer moms to smell Tito’s and soda on your breath. Your first move is something we like to call HAG(Hydration, Advil, Grease). Let’s break these out quickly-
Hydration- I know two famous drinkers(me and Howell) who both swear by the product zipfizz. No sugar and it will replace electrolytes. AWESOME hangover cure and comes in little test tubes so you just dump one into a Poland Springs(get a liter) and crush that shit! You can find those on Amazon where unfortunately the one thing they don’t sell is new livers.
Advil- I go with either Advil or Excedrin here. Excedrin might get the nod just because it does have caffeine in it which can give you a little boost of energy there in the morning when you are dragging ass. There is NOTHING like when your pain med kicks in…….hello world I am reborn.
Grease- Now…..this can be dangerous depending on what is on your plate that day because we all know that a trip to McDonalds can lead to stomach distress…..so proceed with caution. Personally I think it is more important simply to eat something and that the grease does not help so make your own adjustments here. Personally I crush a bagel and an iced coffee which seems to keep me from shitting my pants in a clients waiting room.
With the above combo you are as prepped as you can be to make it through life with an epic hangover. You have to get in the right mental state…..”This will suck but then it will be over”. I imagine it’s like running a marathon….but let’s be honest I will never know what running a marathon feels like!
P.S.- Gum/Altoids should be fully stocked at all times and in your mouth 90% of the day.
P.P.S.S.- I didn’t include coffee here. Some people like coffee when hungover and some don’t….use personal preference.
Scenario 2- The World is Your Oyster….your brain is your hell
Now, scenario 2 is probably more ideal that scenario 1 but does have its disadvantages. In the first scenario you are forced into constant battle with your hangover and trying to live life and masquerade as productive. So you really don’t have a lot of time to ruminate on whose wife you pissed off last night or if you urinated in your linen closet in a dream or did that really happen?(spoiler alert….probably happened)
The Demons(my term for them) are sons of bitches and they come at you non-stop when you have a couch and a hangover. Forget about that parking ticket in New York you never paid or the stripper you gave your phone number to? Forget about how you’d like to get out of credit card debt but have been financially a mess your entire life? Well you’re in luck my friend because all of those bad decisions and missed opportunities are playing on repeat in your head with the dial turned up to 11.5!!!! What a party!
So as you can see this scenario seems better on the surface but has its own problems we must endure to fight through.
Step 1- This is almost exactly the same with ONE tweak This is HAAG
Hydration/Advil/Grease are same as above although eat whatever you want because we assume you have the access to your own bathroom.
The extra A……alcohol! Bite the one who bit you!! Now….we are assuming you don’t want to be hungover again tomorrow so you have a two drink max. The alcohol will make you feel a little better and could get you back to sleep if that’s a problem.
Here are my 3 recommendations for drinks-
Bloody Mary- This one is tried and true. It works and the best part is that it has some advantages in that your body is picking up some nutrients and vitamins in the tomato juice concoction. At least that’s what I tell myself!
Ranch Water- Tequila, Lime, Topo Chico. This is MONEY for a hangover because you’re rehydrating! And tequila! And citrus is good for you or some shit like that.
Madras- Now…I could go with Cape Codder(vodka cran) or Screwdriver(Vodka OJ) in this spot but let’s get both involved. If you can get your hands on freshly squeezed orange juice than you’re not hungover enough to be reading this. Tropicana and Ocean Spray with a ton of ice and some Tito’s vodka. This is my go to…..AKA GOAT hangover drink.
Ok….we’ve had medicine, food and two drinks. We now have to deal with the what I like to call “Hangover Jail”. What is hangover jail? You’re just doing time like prison…….only the prison is in your mind and you are gonna be in there for quite a bit of time.
Get on the couch and fire up the movies! In a later post I will give a top ten hangover movies but for now stick with the following genres- Revenge, martial arts, anything by Tarantino and comedies. You want stuff that’s easy on your brain and doesn’t have a lot of negativity going on. No one wants to combine negative self-thoughts with movies about human trafficking or genocide. No Bueno!
Wrap up
The good news is that by 5pm in both of these scenarios you should be ready to answer the bell and get back to life. There is NOTHING like when that hangover starts top slip away like chains dropping to the floor.
More articles to come here on booze and hangovers!!
